Unsolicited Advice for the 831

Let me explain the title of this posting. Advice. It's a very tricky thing to give. People will want your opinion on various things in life and it's hard to know when to step in and flap your lips around. Opinions. My dad (and probably your dad too) used to say that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Not everyone likes assholes and you can take that literally or figuratively. But some people do. Some people just love assholes.

When I think back on advice I've received in my life, it's usually the unsolicited advice that has been the most helpful and meaningful. The kind of advice that only a good friend, sister or Jewish mother will give you. ( And I say Jewish mother with the utmost respect for the Jewish community--- when it comes to advice, ask any Jewish mother and then listen to what they say.) Unsolicited advice is the kind of advice that is sometimes hard to hear. Because the people who ask for advice don't really care what you have to say, they just want to vent their problems. It's the people who don't ask for help who really need it.

Unsolicited advice is not the usual stuff that appears in advice columns. Allow me to summarize what you would read in Dear Abby, or Dear Prudence or Dear Whoever Is Writing In Your Local Newspaper:

-You're overqualified and you hate your job/boss/company. You should dust off your resume and then quit.
-Your boyfriend has been looking at porn online. My guess? Your boyfriend is probably a guy.
-Your sister/best friend/neighbor's dog ran off with said boyfriend. You should probably forgive them, then ditch him. Try to move on the classy way because everyone else will be on your side anyways.
-Your stepfather raped you. You should probably get counseling.
-Someone asks you a personal question you don't want to answer. Try replying, "Why do you ask?" I guarantee it stops the rude person in their tracks 99.999% of the time.
-Your daughter became a stripper. You're probably not a bad parent. Your daughter probably just loves sex and money. And you know what? With different lighting and more clothes that could be a compliment.
-Yadda yadda yadda.

Every letter I've ever read in an advice column is that letter or some variation of that letter. Every single one of them. It's a rare occasion I read something in an advice column that blows me away. And the ones that do are just twisted variations of the above.

See? I'm already bored with giving solicited advice. I'd rather give the kind of advice you're not looking for. The kind of shit that everyone is secretly thinking about you but that no one has the huevos to actually say to you. So basically, this is a long winded way of saying that I'm changing the concept of this online dumping ground. I'm just going to rant. And rave. And rant and rave. Hopefully more raving than ranting, but we'll see.

Check back tomorrow when I spit some advice for bargoers in Carmel. Specifically people who go (but shouldn't) to Brophy's. Because it totally sucks. There are much better places to spend your money and get drunk in the process. Tomorrow I'll let you know where you should be stumbling out of at 2am, because sharing the secrets of the Peninsula is what I get paid to do in my 9-5 luxury hotel work life. But if money were no object, I'd rather do it for free. Just like your daughter, the stripper.

Until tomorrow, I remain,

Some Bitch in the 831